Year released: 1988
THE CHARGE: Being grody to the max and so not totally tubular, like, gag me with a spoon FER SHERRRR!
THE EVIDENCE: The 80s were... well, they were what they were. Some of us lived through them and have wistful memories every time the muzak version of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" plays in the supermarket. Some of you were born afterward and your only exposure to that era has been through repeated airings of Back to the Future on TBS. But like a relic in a time capsule filled with Pound Puppies, Alf dolls and Nintendo Power Gloves, Day of the Panther is here to show you exactly what the 80s were about... for better or for worse.
This Australian-made piece of fluff stars martial artist Edward Stazak as Jason Blade because by the time this movie was released in 1988, all the good 80s action hero names were taken. Blade looks kind of like a bland version of A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell, but with slightly bigger pecs and a much goofier smile.
When the movie opens, his mentor is inducting him into an elite order of martial artists called the Panthers. The ceremony consists of Blade burning the order's mark into his forearm with a branding iron. This seems a bit excessive, since the Panthers are only mentioned in passing a couple of times throughout the rest of the movie and they have nothing at all to do with the plot. And the few times we get a glimpse of the mark on Blade's arm, it looks more like a stamp than a scar. So a magic marker could probably have done the job just as well.
Jason partners with his mentor's daughter to fight crime in Japan, and one case in particular leads the duo to a crime syndicate in Australia. His partner gets there ahead of him and promptly gets herself killed by the gang's resident kung-fu expert, setting up the paint-by-numbers "infiltrate gang and get revenge" plotline.
Our hero, displaying a smirk only Principal Belding could love
But movies like this aren't about the plot. They're about the action. And there's plenty of action in Day of the Panther, if you use the strictest definition of "action" to mean "movement". Our hero's kangaroo-fu fighting style consists primarily of repeated roundhouse kicks to the face while the style of the bad guys is to take a wild swing and then stand there while being kicked repeatedly in the face. I'll readily admit you can say that about most Chuck Norris movies as well, but Chuck Norris gets a pass for looking nothing at all like A.C. Slater.
So the plot is just kind of... there. And the action is just kind of.. there. But the style! Oh the 80s style! The only way this movie could be more 80s is if our hero had a Tamagotchi hanging from his belt.
Are the cheesy Commodore-64 generated opening credits accompanied by a synthesized music track that sounds like something retrieved from Harold Faltermeyer's garbage bin? Of course! As Blade travels around Australia, is he rocking the Miami Vice pastel blazer with sneakers look? You bet he is! And when he's in the gym being seduced by a young lady doing Flashdance-style gyrations, is she wearing a spandex aerobics outfit? What do you think?
Pictured: the mating ritual of the Australian flashdancer
The movie ends the way that movies like this are required to end, with a fight between Blade and the big bad kung-fu baddie. But by that time, my 80s nostalgia had been throughly satiated and watching a couple of guys pretend to kick each other was rather boring. The director seemed to sense this as the fight frequently cuts away to scenes of Blade's friends getting into their own shenanigans with other gang members. But Brian Trenchard-Smith is the same director who later brought us Leprechaun 4: In Space, so you can imagine how well that went.
And when everything's said and done, an on-screen graphic threatens that Jason Blade will return in Strike of the Panther. OMG, this is a series? A quick Google search revealed that yes, Strike of the Panther is a real movie and it was even supposed to be followed up with Escape of the Panther to complete the trilogy. That third film was never made, presumably because everyone involved finally saw how the first two came out.
THE VERDICT: Day of the Panther is GUILTY of being an action movie in the same way that oatmeal can be considered dinner: technically correct but bland as hell. But it's also a guilty pleasure for any child of the 80s who still has a Cabbage Patch Doll in their closet.
