Year released: 2008
THE CHARGE: Indecent exposure, indecent acting, pretty much indecent everything.
THE EVIDENCE: Since you’re on the internet, you’ve no doubt seen the joke about replacing the word “wand” in the Harry Potter novels with “wang”. One-Eyed Monster is the cinematic equivalent, taking the “killer” in any horror flick and replacing it with... well, “wang”.
Yes, One-Eyed Monster is about a killer penis. That's pretty much all you need to know. Either you want to see a movie about a killer penis or you don't. I don't blame you either way. But if you're going to dive in, I may as well give you some idea of what to expect.
The movie opens with a small film crew shooting a porn flick in a cabin in the woods. One of these days, I'm going to find out where these woods are that appear in half of all the horror movies ever made. I suspect they're somewhere outside Vancouver. I'm also going to figure out why there's always a cabin in them. A small ranch would be a nice change of pace. Or maybe a trailer home. Hell, I'd even settle for a teepee. But I digress...
One of the actors is real-life porn star Ron Jeremy, playing the role of “Ron Jeremy”. And judging from his wooden performance, this seems to be a stretch for him. When he steps outside for a break from filming, a shooting star/laser/space ray thing zaps him in the frank and beans. Shortly afterward, his unit detaches itself from its chubby host and goes on a killing spree.
It's OK, we can just... cuddle.
That's right, the murderous member isn't attached to anyone and is capable of travelling on its own. But did I expect logic in a movie about a killer penis? Of course not. All I hoped for was an abundance of gore, nudity and twisted humor, because if I'm going to admit to watching a killer penis, the movie better damn well make it worth my time.
Sadly, One-Eyed Monster comes up short. The nudity's there, but not as much as you'd expect for a flick centered around a porn shoot. The gore's there, but the effects are cheap and not well executed. The humor is twisted but delivered awkwardly, like Jon Heder in every movie he’s ever been in.
"If the penis sees its shadow, it means six more weeks of virginity."
One highlight is a scene straight out of a Looney Tunes cartoon where a character sleds down a hill and the murderous member pops out of the snow like a small tree to slice the character in half. Lengthwise. The scene looks awful but I appreciate the effort. I mean, do you even KNOW how much Viagra it would take to accomplish that? "If your erection lasts longer than 4 hours or becomes capable of slicing through muscle and bone, consult your doctor."
Director Adam Fields tries to keep the movie’s pace brisk, but there’s just not enough story too support his effort. The movie just drones on, half-honoring/half-lampooning various horror flicks, and in the end it simply peters out. Ultimately, this is a one-joke movie and One-Eyed Monster can’t keep it up for its nearly 90 minute running time. I don’t want to come down too hard on it, but the end result is flaccid and unsatisfying.
Maybe Harry Potter could fix it with his magic wang.
THE VERDICT: One Eyed Monster is GUILTY of exposing its shortcomings for all the world to see and is hereby sentenced to serve hard time until I can think up another penis reference. Boners.
