Year released: 2009
THE CHARGE: Not being the biography of WWE's Stephanie McMahon. (That's a pro wrestling joke. You see, she likes to slap people a lot and... oh, never mind.)
THE EVIDENCE: If you ever watched women’s professional wrestling and thought “this would be a lot better with some blood and some lesbian tongue wrasslin’”, then stop whatever you're doing - and if you really think along those lines, I don't think I want to know what you're doing - and watch Bitch Slap immediately!
Half homage, half parody of exploitation flicks of the 60’s & 70’s, Bitch Slap offers the story of three buxom babes who kidnap a mobster and drag him out to a trailer in the middle of the desert in order to find out where he’s hiding his loot. And it seems there’s a lot of loot to be found: there are diamonds, swords, guns and even some sort of biological weapon. Each gal has something in particular that she’s looking for and each gal’s motive is gradually revealed in flashbacks that go further back in time as the movie progresses. In between the flashbacks, which are the real meat of the story, the women fight, engage in a love triangle and dump buckets of water on each other.
The look of the film is unusual, but not in a good way. It goes for the same blend of live action with CGI backgrounds that was used to great effect in Sin City and 300 (but pretty much worn to death by the time it was used in The Spirit). The desert locale is the only real set; all flashbacks take place against a CGI backdrop. This wouldn’t be so bad if the graphics were anywhere near acceptable.
I’m going to admit something: back in 1997, I played a PC game called Riana Rouge. It was basically an excuse to show some softcore porn over some computer animated backgrounds while offering some simple Myst-like puzzles so it could officially be called a game. I mention this only to emphasize one thing: the CGI used in Bitch Slap is no better than the backgrounds used in this old video game. Hell, it’s barely a step above what was used in Custer’s Revenge on the Atari 2600.
The image that drives the most traffic to this web site.
All of this, however, is secondary to the fact that all three women have enormous cleavage. Yes, the trio of Erin Cummings, America Olivo and Julia Voth is certainly easy on the eyes. And as far as their acting ability goes, let’s just say the trio is certainly easy on the eyes. But if you really like boobs, breasts, jugs, funbags, bazoombas, hooters, cans, racks, flapdoodles, knockers, pillows, puppies, tatas and milk wagons and don’t care about acting talent... then why aren’t you just watching porn?
Indeed, it’s hard to figure out exactly who the audience for Bitch Slap is. The flick seems tailor made for horny pre-teens, offering plenty of female flesh yet managing to show very little nudity. But the hard R-rated violence that gradually paints the desert landscape red with blood splatter makes sure that kids who find it on their video streaming service of choice are in for a gory surprise. (And incidentally, if you’re the parent of a kid who asks if he can watch a movie called Bitch Slap, PLEASE have the guts to say no.)
She won the talent portion of the pageant by blowing up her competition.
On top of that, the movie can’t decide whether it’s content to wallow in B-movie muck or wants to rise to something better, swinging from philosophy to flatulence in the blink of an eye. In one moment, a character is quoting Joseph Conrad or Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”. In the next, we’re treated to the Lloyd Kaufman school of sound effects as a meowing cat is heard when one of the ladies gets punched in the crotch. What. The. Hell.
When it was over, I wasn’t entertained by Bitch Slap as much as I was puzzled: puzzled by the intent of the movie, puzzled by its schizophrenic tone and most of all, puzzled by how Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless got roped into doing cameos for this trashy flick. Hercules, Xena: you’re better than this. Maybe not by much, but still better.
THE VERDICT: Bitch Slap is GUILTY of indecisiveness. Either give us a surprisingly smart story or wallow in depravity, but don't give us psychological whiplash by jumping back and forth between the two.
