Year released: 2008
THE CHARGE: Sleepwalking through the worst case of sequelitis in many moons.
THE EVIDENCE: The original Sleepaway Camp introduced audiences in 1983 to teenage gender-confused serial killer Angela. It's considered a controversial classic for two reasons: 1) many of the campers who swear like sailors on shore leave, including some of the killer's victims, are played by actors actually under the age of 18 and 2) it features the most bizarre final frame of any movie in the history of film-making.
The film inspired two bland sequels in the late 80s, notable only for featuring Bruce Springsteen's sister, Pamela, in the role of Angela. Robert Hiltzik, director of the original, hated these sequels and had nothing to do with them (though he was giving a writing credit, supposedly against his wishes, for creating the characters). Nearly 25 years later, Hiltzik revisited his original story and created what he argues is the only true sequel to his film: Return to Sleepaway Camp.
The notorious camp from the first film has been closed for many years after the massacre that occurred there, but a new camp has just opened near the site. One of the new campers is Alan, a chubby, somewhat effeminate and thoroughly repulsive boy who is mercilessly (though not undeservedly) teased by all the other kids. One by one, Alan's tormentors meet grisly ends and Alan becomes the main suspect. But one of the counselors, who was a camper in the first movie, suspects Angela has returned to continue her carnage.
One of these is not a real man. And the other has a fake beard.
Hiltzik should have left well enough alone. Return to Sleepaway Camp is the worst entry in the entire series. The plot is ridiculous. The dialogue is offensively bad. The acting wouldn't pass muster in a Troma flick - the only exception being Isaac Hayes (Chef from South Park), who's in the movie briefly and then disappears without explanation. And that ending... I don't like giving away spoilers, but I feel justified in this case because it sums up why this movie is so awful and why you should never bother to see it.
After many clues suggest that Alan is a gender-reversed version of Angela - which would have been mildly clever - Alan is found to be innocent when Angela reveals herself, laughs maniacally and the movie ends.
That's it.
Making your hopes of quality entertainment go up in smoke.
There's no grand finale, no final confrontation, no resolution whatsoever. The killer shows up and 30 seconds later, the movie just stops. And I realized as the credits rolled that I just wasted nearly 90 minutes of my life watching something that wasn’t just awful but absolutely, completely and utterly pointless. I could have spent those 90 minutes trimming my butt hairs with a weed-whacker and not only would it have been less painful, it would have given me a greater feeling of accomplishment.
It’s too late for me, but I offer you this guidance to enjoying a happy and contented life: watch and marvel at the original Sleepaway Camp, forget the next two sequels even exist and please, please destroy all copies of Return to Sleepaway Camp that you stumble upon.
THE VERDICT: Return to Sleepaway Camp is GUILTY AS SIN of not only returning to the scene of a crime, but defecating on it and leaving its vile DNA everywhere as a joke to anyone hoping for a quality sequel.
